This week I launched my website. It was a dream I had pending for many years, but it was just that, a dream. I never felt "important/special" enough to do it.


"Who will care? Pff... you? Who do you think you are? You're too cheesy Maria, no one cares about your feelings. Can't you say something or take photos without going deep? No one reads these things. Oh, really? Another photographer, exactly what the world needs."


Until, reading a book and understanding a bit more about how we function as human beings, I realised that the ‘little voice’ comes from the left hemisphere of the brain, the side that tends to be more logical, and therefore, more negative. We all have experiences where, when we expose ourselves to life, we can hit a wall, and from there a trauma can emerge. The left hemisphere is based on logic, seeking survival, where ultimately it tries to protect us from the exposure of life. What the brain may not understand is that we no longer live in the middle of the jungle and are not being chased by a lion in survival mode. Although, sometimes it may feel that way with life itself, right? All this to be checked, as it is my interpretation.


Understanding this helped me a lot more to identify the little voices within me, even naming them, and trying to take what really serves me. Everyday I try to rescue myself from myself - sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.


To be honest, the drive to launch myself, to finally dare to take this leap, came from anger and frustration with myself - in the middle of the chaos, a deep intuition said:


"I’m tired of staying in the middle. Now is the moment."


The day I published it I felt a lot of fear and anxiety. All those phrases you read above suddenly became much stronger. I felt very exposed, my thoughts and feelings took a visual form, in words and images.


I jumped. You have no idea how many years I’ve been thinking about jumping. With this decision, I experienced an instant loss of what I knew about myself. It’s intriguing how life’s experiences can surprise us in unexpected ways. Despite having moved to other countries 4 times, fallen in love, started from scratch, and travelled alone many times, this felt totally different. 


Ahhh… of course, it’s called being vulnerable, and not just being vulnerable with myself, but with the world as well.


It was then that I was able to name everything that happened to me that day, continues to happen, and the fear I have of being vulnerable in the eyes of others. When I thought I understood everything, at 29 years old, I realised I understood nothing, and again, I opened another door within myself that I need to explore.


With all this, I do not intend to romanticise these vague ideas: ‘get out of your comfort zone’, ‘jump’, ‘just do it’, ‘be vulnerable’, blah, blah, blah, you know, all those phrases we read everywhere. I'm here to tell you how uncomfortable and painful it is, but also how liberating it is. I felt freer from myself and hence, the 'little voices', those I mentioned at the beginning, they had receded to the background, suddenly from behind the noise, I was able to hear something new: 


“Own your desires and make it happen”


It feels scary, or is it just me?


And here I am, a door opening, full of emotions, where is it going? Slowly I’m discovering it all, these words flowing inside me, somehow they find themselves in this text. I'm realising the power that vulnerability can have, as cliché as it sounds, but clichés endure as they tend to be true.


As you read this, I ask you, what fears are activated when you expose yourself, when you’re vulnerable in the eyes of others?


Ps: I invite you to listen to this song 'Bolted Orange - Fuubutsushi" which was playing in the background while i was writing these words.


With love,

Maria.